So today is the first day of christmas(to me at least). I wanted to dress up prettier than usual but I felt so god damn ugly that I almost gave up. I seriously am in crisis of new clothes.
Anyways I changed the outfit three times before actually deciding to keep the last one.

I tried doing red-lips trend that's been going for a while. Though my lips are really small compared to the japanese girls. So what I did was add a small amount of the red lipstick so it looks red-pink-ish insted of fire-red(lol fire red?). I think it works with my skin color (which is fucking paper white these days because of lack of iron in the blood and the winter *grr*).

Outfits:

Here I tried a bit of onee/glam/mode look. I don't know.
It looks a bit too grown up on me but I like feeling sexy sometimes as well, without being too flashy with my body:)

Guess that's all. My bf is coming home next week, can't wait to see him again. We're gonna spend new years together^O^

Reason why I will be spamming this entry with shitloads of pictures is because my stupid ass cellphone-cable decided "I'm gonna stop transferring your pictures to computer because I'm just that fucking shitty". Thank you. So I tried and tried and nothing worked until one time it finally could transfer pictures again then it stopped again, so I only got like some outfit pictures. Now I started using my digital camera again(which sucks but not as much as my crappy cellphone).



Outfit for a birthday party:



and make-up:

Tried a different hairstyle. I never looked good with a bun but actually lately it's been looking pretty okey:) Been really inspired by popteen to do different hairstyles!




Oh and did I mention I colored my hair?:'D It's brown now. It was soooooo dark at the beginning but the color faded out once I washed my hair several times. Now it's like,light brown/reddish color? it's not as ugly as it sounds xD

Also tried out a bit heavier make-up,this was just a test so no fake lashes or anything.

Or the more natural look? I always loved Kumiko's bangs(the only thing I like about her btw). So I tried to curl them like hers. What do you think?



New stuff I bought and got for christmas(and non-christmas things).

And nails. I made it to look like the white purple(tips) is fading into a white color.

This was a x-mas gift from my bf:3 isn't it so cute? and it's so fluffy. I feel kind of guilty because I opened the gift a day before christmas doh. I also got another present but I won't tell you what it is because it's personal(yet so sweet)*heart*

I don't know why I'm writing this in my blog. My hands just won't stop typing. Maybe it's my inner self. While I don't want anyone to feel like I'm feeling now I kind of get "comfort" by knowing I'm not the only one suffering from this. I know it's a cruel thing to say and think, but I actually get a bit better knowing this. Knowing how there's somebody out there who can sympathize with me,who knows what I'm going through, who knows the exact feelings that I'm having when I feel like I've reached the bottom. A person who's life has turned to worse because of this.

Maybe you're asking "Why don't you get help?". If it was only that simple. When I feel like my world has reached its point I don't really care about doing anything except lying in my bed with all kinds of depressing thoughts. I am demotivated. Looking for help is the last thing I think about. When morning comes I usually am okey,not the best but okey,so I think "I don't need help, I'm okey:)" but actually...I'm lying to myself.

I hate how this has made an affect on my relationship with my closest ones. I'm basically a closed book. They ask if I'm okey and I reply "I'm fine",when in reality I'm not fine nor will I ever be because my life isn't as fun as easy as it should be.

There are things that my depression has caused me to do, which I never wish for my dear friends and family to know because of the feeling I will be looked at as mentally unstable. I just wish sometimes they'd know so they would help me somehow, even though I don't want to trouble them.

I'm screaming for help in silence.